Hey my lovelies,
I know, I know this post has been long overdue. Life has been pretty hectic for me of late and it hasn’t been nice.
I decided to have a career change a few months back not only because all sense of job satisfaction had totally left me after having been in the same job for the last six years but also because I did not agree with the moral compass of the so-called charity that I was employed by.
Much to my surprise I was offered the first job that I applied for and while I knew things were going to be tough due to the much longer hours that I would be working and the substantial pay cut that I had taken, I had rationalised it by telling myself ‘that out of adversity comes greatness’ and ‘nothing worth having comes easy’. I learnt that while this is true to a certain extent, we also have to let go when things begin to affect one adversely. Striving is only worth it when it is something you truly love and are completely passionate about otherwise it can just begin to feel like a living nightmare.
Less than a month into my new job I knew that it wasn’t for me. The 13 hour days literally meant that I barely saw Fifi, I had no time or energy to do the things that I love….yoga, meditation and blogging of course. I would come in from work and literally crawl into bed. No matter how much I slept or how well I ate the job simply took it’s toll on me and I came to the conclusion that I was not prepared to sacrifice my life for any job, particularly one that I was not enjoying all that much. I would sit down and think to myself what are the positives to this job? All I could think of was one, my colleagues were nice. This was not enough of an incentive to stay.
I wasn’t sure whether I admired my new colleagues or thought that they were totally insane. Staying late after working an incredibly long day and working on the weekend were common practice, my colleagues lived and breathed their work and it seemed to define them and who they were, sometimes I felt that they couldn’t seem to separate their sense of self from the job. Admiration or insanity, I’m still not sure. All I knew was that this was not me, I did not want to live and breathe my work, I wanted to talk about stuff other than that which was related to my work and most of all I wanted to life my life to the fullest not simply existing, just scraping through each day wishing the arrival of each new weekend and once it had arrived dreading the beginning of each new week.
As luck would have it or because of my amazing job application and interviewing skills ;), I had another two job interviews and was offered a job at both firms :). This has done wonders for my self esteem and my belief in myself, three job interviews in the last three months and to be successful at all of them. Gone are the days when I never got jobs because my social anxiety would literally mean I could not speak or answer any questions put to me. It has also cemented that if something does not make me happy and disturbs my inner peace I must relinquish it and not be afraid to take action because I am scared of not knowing what the outcome may be.
This year has really highlighted just how fearless I really have become. A few years back I never would have left the security of a job simply because I didn’t like it, I would have painstakingly stuck at it because the thought of not having security would have scared the absolute shit out of me. I was a person that thrived on plans and the lack of one often resulted in me becoming a nervous wreck. My life was well thought out and well planned, I needed contingencies and I simply was not prepared to take any action that I perceived as remotely risky. Some may think that this is not such a negative but not only did it stop me from doing things like really living and loving life but when things did not go according to plan (as quite often is the case), it would throw me into complete and utter turmoil and during these times I could barely function due to the ensuing anxiety and depression that inevitably followed.
So I’ve handed in my notice and am currently on ‘garden leave’, whatever that is. I’m still waiting for my references to come back before I am able to take up my new job. Admittedly I’m feeling slightly anxious about my current lack of employment but if for some reason I don’t get the references I need and I cant start at this proposed new job, what can I really do?
I have no regrets about all these changes to my employment status within the last few months. Yes, I have anxieties about my future and my financial situation is totally whack at the moment. I tried something and I don’t see that I failed at it but rather that it was something that just wasn’t for me. Instead these changes have given me a new focus and a desire to pursue the things that I truly love, so from now on more blog posts, more yoga and meditation and a greater appreciation for really living life and filling it with loads of stuff that I love but most importantly I can never look back and regret, I don’t want my life to be filled with anymore of those.
In the words of the great Sufi poet, my favourite poet, Rumi ‘Let the beauty of what you love be what you do’.
Until next time!