- Romantic relationships, my Achilles heel ♥ Part 1
Hey my lovelies,
so today I write with a heavy heart. Another romantic encounter that I was recently in has come to an end, my quest to find long lasting love stubbed out before it had even had the chance to grow.
I have made no secret that I have experienced long and enduring problems with my mental health probably as a result of a chaotic and an emotionally abusive and neglectful childhood. I harbour no ill feeling, anger or resentment towards those that subjected me to this, one because I need to take ownership for my life and my actions, two because I know my parents tried their best with what they had and finally whatever happened and what I had to endure cannot be undone.
For the most part now I manage to find myself in stable mental health but I do this by not really participating in life and keeping myself to myself. In some respects I am brave but when my life involves affairs of the heart I go into total meltdown.
Good old Wikipedia defines an Achilles heel as “a weakness in spite of overall strength, which can actually or potentially lead to downfall”.
This sums me up to a tea when I meet someone and there is the potential for love to grow. No sooner than I feel it, I begin to go into meltdown, I seem to loose all sense of perspective, all sense of rationality and things that I would never think or do ordinarily seem to overwhelm me. Don’t get me wrong I’m never verbally abusive, nor do I resort to underhand tactics like emotional blackmail but I just become totally and utterly overwhelmed, my mood becomes erratic and irrational and I find myself in deep states of depression.
I keep trying because it is our right to be loved and humans were made to belong but I feel that this aspect of life may not be for me.
I have come to realise after this last brief encounter that romantic relationships bring out my most primal fears from childhood, that I will be abandoned, that I am unlovable and defective and that I am not good enough and I push the person to such an extent in a warped attempt to prove this that eventually they have no choice but to walk away and sadly in my messed up mind this only reconfirms these deep held beliefs that I hold about myself and further adds to my sense of self loathing.
This time though I really believed that I was in a good place and that I was ready, I thought my meditation and spiritual practices would keep me more grounded but it was not meant to be. I thought that I had made peace with my past and that it would no longer continue to haunt me in my present life but now I question if I am a charlatan or fraudster simply kidding myself that I’m better, changed, new and improved? I now wonder will I ever escape from my destructive mindset and will things ever be different for me? I have little faith.
I can only apologise for any hurt, confusion or anger caused to my latest beau and hope that with time he will accept it. In the meantime I must accept that romantic relationships are my Achilles heel and before I am ever to embark on any kind of love affair I must continue to work hard on psychological self improvement, for the time being and for the foreseeable future I am fully committed to celibacy to spare both myself and good intentioned men the hassle and the heartbreak of my craziness.
Until next time my lovelies.