Romantic relationships, my Achilles heel ♥ Part 1

This entry is part 1 of 1 in the series Romantic relationships, my Achilles heel
  • Romantic relationships, my Achilles heel ♥ Part 1

Hey my lovelies,

so today I write with a heavy heart. Another romantic encounter that I was recently in has come to an end, my quest to find long lasting love stubbed out before it had even had the chance to grow.

I have made no secret that I have experienced long and enduring problems with my mental health probably as a result of a chaotic and an emotionally abusive and neglectful childhood. I harbour no ill feeling, anger or resentment towards those that subjected me to this, one because I need to take ownership for my life and my actions, two because I know my parents tried their best with what they had and finally whatever happened and what I had to endure cannot be undone.

For the most part now I manage to find myself in stable mental health but I do this by not really participating in life and keeping myself to myself. In some respects I am brave but when my life involves affairs of the heart I go into total meltdown.

Good old Wikipedia defines an Achilles heel as “a weakness in spite of overall strength, which can actually or potentially lead to downfall”.

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This sums me up to a tea when I meet someone and there is the potential for love to grow. No sooner than I feel it, I begin to go into meltdown, I seem to loose all sense of perspective, all sense of rationality and things that I would never think or do ordinarily seem to overwhelm me. Don’t get me wrong I’m never verbally abusive, nor do I resort to underhand tactics like emotional blackmail but I just become totally and utterly overwhelmed, my mood becomes erratic and irrational and I find myself in deep states of depression.

I keep trying because it is our right to be loved and humans were made to belong but I feel that this aspect of life may not be for me.

I have come to realise after this last brief encounter that romantic relationships bring out my most primal fears from childhood, that I will be abandoned, that I am unlovable and defective and that I am not good enough and I push the person to such an extent in a warped attempt to prove this that eventually they have no choice but to walk away and sadly in my messed up mind this only reconfirms these deep held beliefs that I hold about myself and further adds to my sense of self loathing.

This time though I really believed that I was in a good place and that I was ready, I thought my meditation and spiritual practices would keep me more grounded but it was not meant to be. I thought that I had made peace with my past and that it would no longer continue to haunt me in my present life but now I question if I am a charlatan or fraudster simply kidding myself that I’m better, changed, new and improved? I now wonder will I ever escape from my destructive mindset and will things ever be different for me? I have little faith.

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I can only apologise for any hurt, confusion or anger caused to my latest beau and hope that with time he will accept it. In the meantime I must accept that romantic relationships are my Achilles heel and before I am ever to embark on any kind of love affair I must continue to work hard on psychological self improvement, for the time being and for the foreseeable future I am fully committed to celibacy to spare both myself and good intentioned men the hassle and the heartbreak of my craziness.

Until next time my lovelies.

Sabrina

x

 

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